To Be Thankful

I was scrolling through some drafts that I had never posted and I found this. I wrote it last November. It still applies, so I thought I'd post it just how it is.

As I've said before, I've started several posts in the last 4 months. Most were in an attempt to describe my life and why I haven't been blogging. So right now, I'll just say it. The last few months have been hard on me. I feel cast into a sea of emotions only to sometimes be reeled in and then tossed right back in. I think the saddest part, the absolute worst thing, that I have to acknowledge is that I've doubted the Lord's goodness. Ironically enough, it was reading Micah's story bible one night that shook me out of my stupor and made me face up to what I'd been doing.

Adam and Eve chose to

doubt God's goodness.

They chose to

disobey God's word.

They did not let

God be king over them.

They ate some fruit from the tree.

They listened to the voice of Satan

instead of the word of God.

What a very sad day.

It hasn't been consistent, but there are definite times where I find myself doubting that His plan is a good plan for me. After all, don't I usually know what's best for me? I have good plans too. I find myself listening to a lie that I know is from the pit of hell, but the enemy is crafty. His lie makes very good sense to me; I can even use the Bible to justify the enemy's lie to me. Talk about a deceptive enemy!

That's how Satan got to Eve. He didn't tell her a lie that was unbelievable. He told her a lie that sounded so close to the truth, that it might actually be true. And every so often it creeps in and makes me miserable. What a sad day when I give into the lie and wallow in misery because of it.

I've been thinking a lot about my blessings. Over the last few months, I've really been convicted to focus on the good God has given me and not what he has not given me.

Things Worth Sharing

...Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.
2 Timothy 1:12

I love this verse. I've clung to it several times in the past few days as I begin to feel anxious about my job and whether or not I will get to stay at my same school and keep my same schedule next year. My favorite is the last half. I've chosen to believe a God that is mighty, powerful and able to accomplish more than I can even fathom. What a comfort to know that I can leave everything in His hands at any time. But then there is this little quote that jumped out at me from last week's Shirer's Discerning the Voice of God.

"If you told God on your knees that you had reached an impasse and...were handing it over to Him, then leave it with Him. Do not go to the first Christian you meet and say, "You know I have an awful problem; I don't know what to do." Don't discuss it. Leave it with God, and go on the watch-tower." - D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones

What a great reminder to me. How often do I "pray" about something and then am so quick to take it back from God and begin talking to all of my friends about it? I'm not saying it's bad to discuss problems with friends, but sometimes it does cause me to take my problems back from God. Instead of watching and waiting for His answer, I take them back and make them mine again. I don't want that to be a characteristic of my life. I want to be found waiting patiently for God to speak to me about my problem.

I hope these two little nuggets speak to your heart as they have mine.

Bible Study Recap

Many of you know that I signed up to do the Early Risers Bible Study at my church. It was a big leap of faith for me and not something I normally do. I totally refrained from blogging about it until I was finished with the first half. There were some things that I loved and some things that I didn't. Here's the recap.

Things that I didn't love:

1. Getting up at 5:10 to get ready and leave the house by 5:45. I was shaking the first morning from the tiredness. It probably wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't already at church so late the night before because of junior high. But I was rarely able to get into bed by 11, so mornings were rough.

2. Not feeling totally accepted. I was the youngest person there. Not too many people made an effort to welcome me - not in the beginning anyway. I think if I weren't so committed to making this work, I would have left a long time ago. A good reminder for me as I interact with visitors to our church. I finally clued in to why this might be when the 3rd week I arrived and one woman shouted, "Eliza's here!" I said, "I get that every week. You guys act like you don't expect me to come." Her reply was, "We don't." Apparently most people my age with jobs and things are not as dedicated and often fizzle out.

3. Myrna. That's the name of the woman who wrote the study. I think Myrna might be dead now, but I'm not sure. The study we did was written in the '70's. Yes, God is God and is unchanged by decades, but there were some places I wished it were more relevant. There were times were I couldn't figure for the life of me what answer she was seeking. This could partly be because I was just coming off a Beth Moore study, so anything else will be a hard adjustment. It's like when I finished reading Great Expectations and then started reading Left Behind, it takes some getting used to.

4. That I let myself get behind on the homework. Each Wednesday was a scramble to keep up towards the end.

5. Making a cup of tea there and tasting the coffee grounds in the "Hot Water" carafe. The same thing also happened Friday night with my apple cider at the Christmas party. They really should designate those at the start of their life time.

Things I loved:

1. Getting to study God's Word with others. I've missed that.

2. Getting to work super early on Thursdays. We end at 7 and my school is just right there. I've even had some really great opportunities with students because of it.

3. Prayer. I love praying with others.

4. Challenging other's preconceived notions of me.

5. Only missing 3 times. Two were because I slept in by accident and one was because we were leaving town and I was sick.

So that's basically it. I'm pretty sure I will continue through the rest of the year. I'm sure the more time I spend there the better it will be for me. I didn't go to any of the extra Saturday things because I'm trying to keep my weekends all about my family - especially Saturdays. Perhaps if I had, I would have felt more accepted, but maybe not. I think I need to be putting my family ahead of other things, so I don't regret my choice at all.

Stirrings

This summer my mom, sister, and I all did a Beth Moore Bible Study together. It was amazing and I loved how much I learned and grew. Now that it's fall, I have to decide whether or not I want to get involved in small groups at church. In previous years, the conversation went like this:

Me: "Do you want to do a small group this year?"
Josh: "Sure. If you want too..."
Me: "Okay, let's look at the list"
Josh: "Okay, I'll bring one home from work"
Me: "What do you want for dinner?"

And then that was it. We never decided to do one or not to do one. It was a decision made by not making a decision. And that's how it's been for the last 4 years.

This year is different. I really want to grow with other believers this year. I want a time where I'm learning, instead of teaching. I've really missed that. Since I don't want to take away any time from my son, and we can't really find a group to join, we're not going to do a couples study. Instead, I've decided that I'm going to do the Early Risers Women's Bible Study. They meet once a week at 6:00 am. I'm hoping that I'll be dedicated enough to get up and get there each Thursday. I have to say it was hard for me to sign up. I looked at the list of ladies and I really don't know them all that well; the ones that I do know are more my mom's friends. I worry that they'll feel like I'm intruding on their special early morning group. I'm scared that they won't accept me. But I also know that this is something that God has put on my heart to do. I'm tired of feeling like I don't really know anyone outside of the junior high and high school department. I'm tired of making excuses for why I don't do Women's Bible Study - especially when I really don't have any good reason for not trying it. So this year I'm stepping out on faith and making a change.

I'm nervous.

I'm excited.

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace.

I've only ever known one set of grandparents. Until I was in my 20's, my mom's mom always lived far away and has only recently settled in Bakersfield. Because of this, I've always looked at my dad's parents as "the grandparents" in my life. My Grandma and Grandpa would babysit us when my parents were away. My Grandma would let us climb up and down the stairs and jump on the bed, even though she told us not to. My Grandpa would make us the best breakfasts in the mornings. Grandma would take us shopping and let us roll down the power windows. They would take us to the mountains, Pioneer Village, and play cards with us. Grandma would make cookies or a cobbler and of course she was always offering us some of "natures candy" - fruit. I remember Grandma teaching me about rollie pollie bugs and the bean song. Their house was always clean; they always had snacks and soda for us. They would read the Bible each night to us and Grandma would always be singing hymns as she went about her housework. I always felt loved when I was at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

When Grandpa died of a stroke in 1999, it was a really big adjustment - especially for Grandma. I was blessed with singleness at the time and able to be there for my Grandma in a way that no one else in my family really could be. I didn't have a family of my own to take care of, so I began taking care of Grandma. Not in the sense of doing things for her, but in befriending her. She was facing life without her husband; something that she had not done for close to 60 years. Almost every day, after class, I would stop by her house for a visit. Sometimes I would help her pull weeds, other times we'd play cards, do a puzzle, or go out to dinner together. We just spent time together. I knew how much it meant to her that I was there. It was another part of the day when she had someone to talk to and be friends with. And that's what we were - friends.

As we grew older, we spent less time out on adventures and more time sitting on the patio, talking. I always felt like no matter how chaotic my life got, Grandma's house provided a much needed respite. It was a place where I received sage, Biblical advice, basked in Grandma's love and, of course, took home a lot of beautiful flowers. While there are so many things I will miss about grandma, the thing I will miss the most is the sound of delight in her voice when she would answer the door, see me standing there, and say, "Oh, Eliza" as if my coming to visit was the biggest surprise and joy of her day.

It's always hard to let go of someone you love so much. In my head I'm thankful that my Grandma has gone home to be with the Lord. It was an answer to my prayer. But selfishly, my heart is sad at the reality that my time with her is over.