Lately I've been growing increasingly jealous of the moms I know that get to stay at home taking care of their families each day. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I'm going back to work in less than 24 hours. It's funny because, I know that I'm lucky that my job has so much time off and that I'm only teaching 4 classes instead of 5. I like my job a lot - well most days anyway. I know that if I weren't working there's no way we'd be saving so much for retirement or be able to put away any money for Micah's college tuition. I know that without my job we would be in the Kaiser system, possibly shifting from doctor to doctor until we finally found one we liked, only to have them leave Kaiser and us be stuck searching for a new doctor again. I know that without my job we would be so poor that we wouldn't ever be able to do anything fun (not to mention make the house payment). I know all these things and honestly, I usually don't mind working. Sometimes I even delude myself into thinking that even if I didn't have to work, I would still teach 2 classes just for the benefits and the fact that I like teaching.

I think my biggest problem is that I feel like I miss all the fun things that come with staying at home. There's the Women's Bible Study, MOPS, and all these other things out there that I don't get to do because I'm working. I literally think that stay at home moms get together with their mommy friends each day and do fun things. They build eachother up and let their kids play. They bond and make friendships and do the whole mommy thing together. These moms can leave guilt free to do something fun at night because they've spent all day with their children and by that time they need a break anyway. I feel so guilty even considering doing something without Micah during the work week since I barely get to see him and I feel like I'm already abusing my family by having them watch him during the day, so how could I possibly have them babysit him again at night? Do you know that Josh and I didn't even go out to celebrate our anniversary this year because I was unwilling to take another night away from Micah? I'm really struggling with whether or not we should join a small group this year because even though we could really benefit from it and would enjoy the fellowship, I just don't know if I want to give up another night away from my son.

It's such a fine line that working moms walk. I always remember Nancy Braden saying how kids are the most important thing God entrusts us with. They are our biggest responsibilities. It's hard for me to not always feel like I'm failing my son when I'm away from him so much.